If I Wanted To
by aoi-himesama
Summary: "Cold as ice and more bitter than a December winter night. That's how I treated you...If I wanted to leave I would have left by now, but you're the only one that knows me better than I know myself." A Letter from Ichiru to Zero


_A/N: SORRY! I'm not done yet with polishing the chapters. I know I promised to put a chapter or two up this month but I haven't finished them yet. TAT_

_Here's a small peace offering to those who are VK fans. I hope you forgive me. I'm giving myself a whack for you. I swear I'll make it up._

_In the mean time, here's a zero and Ichiru fic for you. It's been laying dormant on my file storage for some time now and since I haven't done the multi chapterd fics yet, I thought I would post this first as a compensation._

_Copyright infringement not intended. Vampire Knight and/or any of it's characters plus Better than I Know Myself by Adam Lambert is not mine._

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><p>Ichiru looked across the room and directed a glare toward his brother. The twins had a fight again. This one about Zero helping Ichiru improve his aim and Ichiru failing every time. The younger eventually got pissed even as the older was being patient. Ichiru berated himself by not being able to have enough force in his arms to throw the small knife straight at the target only about two meters away.<p>

This ensued to another entry to the long list of fights they've been having the past months. The boys have just started their initial training to becoming Hunters, or in Ichiru's case, gauging his ability to become one.

Zero looked back pleadingly at Ichiru ever as patient and understanding. The look made Ichiru even madder. Why couldn't Zero just get mad at him? It made Ichiru feel bad enough that he got mad at his brother for such a petty thing. Zero being understanding as always made him feel worse.

He knew that their tight bond was slowly deteriorating to nothing at the rate they are going. Ichiru groaned and slammed his fist at wall. Why couldn't he be mad? Why couldn't Zero just give up on Ichiru being a Hunter? They both know it wasn't meant to be. He was too weak for a profession like that. Besides, twins weren't supposed to be born in hunter families. Ichiru knew what became of those unfortunate enough to be born as twins. One always perished.

They were fortunate enough that they got along so well as kids. Ichiru wanted Zero to be with him until they grow up. He wanted nothing to do with the Hunters. He wanted nothing to do with the curse. But he knew it was wishful thinking. Their closeness was only mostly because of zero being mature enough to understand him and the situation.

The tears came unbidden as Ichiru thought of it. He knew Zero was also aware of the thing he knew but he still kept on caring for Ichiru. Making him feel as though he was normal. As though he could be anything he wanted.

Zero heard as Ichiru sobbed. He knew what Ichiru might have been thinking all this time. He knew his brother was hurting. But he couldn't seem to do anything about it. Anything he thought of, did and said did nothing to make Ichiru calm down and talk about it.

Truly, Zero missed the times when the training had not started yet. They used to be happy. Having not a care in the world about curses and the world of Hunters. He missed having fun and just playing around with Ichiru, but ever since the training started, the distance between them grew wider and wider.

"If you really don't want to be with me, I'll just go," Zero said with a small voice. It hurt to say it but he had to, if that was what Ichiru really wanted. He just wants Ichiru to be happy not angry and sad all the time.

Ichiru pounded the wall again and Zero flinched at the sound. Knowing Ichiru's body, his brother would have a bruise by now. More pounding might cause him to split a vein. Zero took it as Ichiru's annoyance and shuffled hurriedly to the door, his tears escaping as he closed the door. He really missed the fun times but if being away from him was what made Ichiru feel better, he'd do it.

The moment Zero closed the door, Ichiru cried uncontrollably. He really didn't want Zero to go but his pride would not let him go to his brother.

Zero stayed beside the door, his heart pained as he heard Ichiru cry. He wanted to go back to the room and hug his brother but he was afraid that Ichiru would just shout at him and push him away.

He stayed by the door for a long time, Ichiru's sobs never seeming to stop. Zero couldn't take it anymore. It hurt too much. He walked away from the door.

In the room, Ichiru continued crying. He wanted their relationship back. He wanted the trainings to stop and for him and Zero to just be normal kids. But he knew reality. He knew it was never to be, so he picked up a piece of paper and wrote a letter to Zero. He didn't plan of giving it to Zero but he hoped that the contents of the letter would reach Zero someday, even with Ichiru saying it.

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><p>Zero lay in his bed. There were no classes today so he wanted to sleep in but a few minutes ago, Yuuki barged into his room noisily telling him to get up and that it was a nice day. He just ignored her and told her to go away but the girl wouldn't let up until he got up.<p>

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><p>"<em>There now," the girl smiled at him oblivious of the annoyed look on his face. "That wasn't so hard, was it?"<em>

_Zero rolled his eyes at the girl and looked at the door pointedly now that he was not lying down._

_Yuuki sighed. "all right, all right. Just don't forget to eat breakfast, I cooked. And here, the chairman said this came from the Association."_

_She handed him an envelope crinkly and a little brown. It must have been untouched for a long time._

_Zero waited until Yuuki got out of his room before opening it. Attached to the envelope was a note that said it was from their old house and that his former teacher, Yagari, was the one that found it._

_He removed the note and was shocked at what it hid. In the space that the note vacated was a scrawny written "ZERO"._

_Zero knew that handwriting._

_Ichiru._

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><p>Zero lay in bed, the envelope and letter on the floor. He was oblivious to the tears that swelled in his eyes and kept on running to his cheeks.<p>

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><p><em>Zero,<em>

_Cold as ice and more bitter than a December winter night. That's how I treated you. And I know that I sometimes tended to lose my temper and I cross the line. Yeah, that's the truth._

_I know it gets hard sometimes but I could never leave your side no matter what I say. __Because if I wanted to go I would have gone by now. But I really need you near me to keep my mind off the edge. If I wanted to leave I would have left by now, but you're the only one that knows me better than I know myself._

_All along, I tried to pretend it didn't matter if I was alone but deep down I know if you were gone for even a day I wouldn't know which way to turn because I'm lost without you._

_I get kind of dark and I let it go too far. I can be obnoxious at times but try and see my heart. I know you know Zero. I need you need now so don't let me down. You're the only thing in this world I would die without._

_I hope you remember Zero, if I wanted to go I would have gone by now. But I really need you near me to keep my mind off the edge of everything the Association puts in our way. If I wanted to leave I would have left by now but you're the only one that knows me better than I know myself._

_I want the old times back. I'm so sorry. Know that I'll always love you. You'll always be my twin brother. My big brother. I know you'll always protect me. Thank you, Zero-oniichan._

_Ichiru_


End file.
